Thursday, 19 March 2015


Hi, and thanks for being you.  You might know that the first 22 posts of this blog are the text of my ebook, 'How To Become A Crack Addict' (Jan to April 2013), and from then on it's the fairly frequent musings of your true author, Benjamin of Turnham Green, or Benjamin Lo-Fi, if you know the musical me.  I've connected this blog to Google+ now, I think, and so am wondering if this will mean more people might see it.  So here goes, with my first experimental post since going Google...


So there'd I sit, in a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, number 355 or something, wondering when 'it' was going to be revealed, and would it be in time for me to still be walking, non-psychotic, or derelict in a gutter?  But no time is wasted, I guess.  Perhaps if I hadn't sat in several hundred self-absorption sessions in various church cellars and community halls, I would still be doing it now, trying to work out why one apparently had to give up 'everything' just to get 'clean'.  I mean, there were some guys in there who thought you shouldn't take antidepressants from your doctor, and who even had a timetable for you to use when weaning yourself of Methadone.  But there were also some loving, kind people, who, in their varying ways, helped to save a life, or lives.

Even though I was reluctant, resentful, and resistant to the ethos on offer, of 'complete abstinence' (however one measures that), I was at least among other human beings, with a cup of tea or coffee in my clutches, and at least I could speak, if I wanted to, and be heard by at least some of those present.  But often I was simply going through the verbal motions, trying to present a nice, neat speech about how awful crack was, and how I was like 'an ant following a trail of formic acid' around the various sidestreets of Shepherd's Bush, in search of the other naughty insects.  I would even describe with eloquence the comedown, the remorse, the days in bed, the empty cupboard, but nothing happened, by chance, providence, or intention, or a subtle blend of the three.

Then there was residential rehab, where I was also playacting - twenty weeks of sitting in morning groups giving encouraging feedback to peers, whilst occasionally reciting an insightful description of my own dilemma, knowing full well that what I was saying wasn't what I was feeling.

Then back out into the real world, returning to my little studio-flat, where I still am, like a funeral-director seeing his chapel of rest after months away due to subsidence, or small earthquake.

And then, after vague attempt, even vaguer failure, I find I've faltered into 2015, which is just a number, I know.  But more has been revealed, more than I thought would be if/when I ever got off crack.  If there's such a thing as 'recovery', I don't think it means recovery from the much-mentioned 'disease of addiction', but more a recovery of things lost.  And even a discovery of things new.

It's daunting.  Here's footage of me putting up the backdrop of the little comedy evening I do, with a tune by me, awaiting its lyrics...

Thanks for dropping by, and being you.

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